fear
Today, if I’m being honest, I’m not exactly sure where I’m headed with things.
I’m starting with a broad topic: fear. But beyond that, it’s all vague notions at this point, shifting shadows on the walls. Or maybe it is clear notions — just too many of them.
All I can do is invite you to buckle your safety belt, place your seat backs and trays in the upright position and enjoy the ride, trusting that this flight will eventually land.
*****
Wednesday of last week, I was out at a local snack shack with one of the kids I mentor — a young lady I’ll call Hailey. Other than us, there were only six other customers in the place. One elderly couple sat at a small table not far away, chatting quietly. A group of four teens huddled near the counter, placing their orders.
If you’d been there, you would likely have thought the place was “dead.” Hailey, however, looked panicked. Her shoulders were hunched, body rigid, as wary eyes darted back and forth between the other patrons. I could hear her tense breaths going in and out.
When one of the young guys wandered in our direction to grab a straw from a nearby dispenser, Hailey cringed away as if he were wearing a black ski mask and brandishing a weapon at her. “I don’t like this,” she murmured in a ragged whisper, her lips pale and barely moving. She swallowed hard. “I really don’t like this.”
In that moment, Hailey was experiencing intense fear.
Until recently, Hailey had always met me at my house for our sessions. When we first started five years ago, fear engulfed her. She barely spoke, answering me with gestures where possible; and when words were absolutely required, her voice was so timid that I had to lean in to hear her, even though we sat a mere two feet apart on the same couch.
We took baby steps.
I had her work on speaking with gradually increased volume.
I helped her learn to smile. And her mother intimated to me that she’d never heard Hailey laugh out loud before her visits to my home.
I’d have her sit just outside my door where a passerby might hear her while we continued talking (though I don’t know if any ever did).
Her parents worried and wept, fearful that Hailey would never drive. Never graduate. Never be able to work a job.
I’m happy to say that Hailey received her high school diploma this past May. From side streets to highways at rush hour, she drives (and parks, I might add) like a pro. And she’s even worked a few jobs already.
But fear still limits her. So now, we do “field trips” out in the wide world. Little by little, I’m exposing her to small doses of the things she’s afraid of — unfamiliar people, decision making in public, and more — all carefully meted out with the safety net an inch further away each time.
*****
I have a close friend who used to have to open her front door, close her eyes and count to three, then run to her car, ducking and squealing the whole way. Why? She was terrified that plane fuselage might fall on her if she were out in the open.
The same friend never traveled too far north, because that would require going through underwater tunnels in Boston.
She no longer contends with the fear of falling space debris. And she conquered the tunnels by literally cranking up the radio on a rock station, gritting her teeth, screaming at the top of her lungs and crying as she forced herself to drive into the “death traps,” the blood draining from fingers that clutched the wheel as if it were life itself.
*****
From spiders to spinsterhood, ghosts to global warfare, fear has more faces than a hexakosioihexekontahexaphobe could bear to count to.
Likewise, there’s certainly no shortage of motivational books, posters and internet memes devoted to the topic of dealing with fear. Here are a few I’ve come across recently:
Feel the fear
and do it anyway.
Fight your fears
and you’ll be in a battle forever.
Face your fears
and you’ll be free forever.
Only when we are no longer afraid
do we begin to live.
Here’s where I get a little fuzzy around the edges as to what it is I want to say.
I think we read these things and they feel “right.” They feel inspirational. And they’re usually accompanied by pictures of alligator wrestlers or climbers at sunset dangling from a sheer cliff wall by the chalked fingers of one hand. It’s all so Joan of Arc. And so we nod and say “Mmmmmm…” and click “LIKE.”
And then go about our business, exactly as we were.
After all, what do these quotable quotes really mean? How do they change what we’re going to do today, the choices we’ll make regarding fear tomorrow?
You see, I don’t know about you, but my fear isn’t alligators. Truth be told, unless I’m in Florida, they really don’t cross my mind all that much. And I’ve never even considered scaling a mile-high rock face, not so much out of fear as because it’s just not something that’s ever been on my radar.
And is fear always a bad thing? I mean, if we were all to take “Feel the fear and do it anyway” or “Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live” at face value, mightn’t we get ourselves into a lot more trouble in life? It strikes me that a certain level of fear is useful in preventing drug use, criminal behavior, bodily injury, venereal disease and a whole host of other things we’d be wise to bypass.
In fact, if I’m not mistaken, “Feel the fear and do it anyway” is indicative of sociopathic behavior.
What exactly does it mean to “face your fear” as opposed to “fighting” it? How would I face or fight a fear like rejection? Or aging? Or dying? (I don’t think the “do it until you’re not afraid of it anymore” approach would meet with much success here.)
And wouldn’t it be fairly important to differentiate fear from, say, caution? Or worry? Or healthy respect?
Don’t get me wrong. I think there’s merit in each of these sayings, as well as others by people I respect greatly, from Roosevelt to Gandhi. And I could discuss at length the underlying truth to be found in any of them. I just wonder if they go beyond lofty ideals to actually helping us, in ways that matter right now.
I could send Hailey a hundred such quotes a day, recite them to her every time I see her. I could even have her memorize them. But I don’t believe they’d help her overcome her fear.
And it seems to me that my phobic friend was simultaneously fighting and facing her fears as she drove white-knuckled through those Boston tunnels.
If a fear doesn’t incapacitate me or keep me from my goals, have I “faced” it? Is it even still a fear, or is it something else?
And is avoidance (i.e., not facing the thing we fear) ever acceptable? Even perhaps ideal?
Hmmm. It doesn’t appear this plane will be landing anytime soon, does it.
Perhaps we’ll simple stay aboard while we refuel on this one. I’ll grab the pretzels.
I’m not convinced that “what it all means” is as important to figure out as what it all means to you — and what you’re going to do about it.
I guess if I were to attempt to draw any one conclusion here, it would be that we’ll never get anywhere with regard to our fears unless we clear some space for stillness and contemplation, and then make new choices — likely hard choices — that lead to a plan of action.
I’m helping Hailey clear that space, make those choices and execute a plan of action. And we both see the results.
How will that look for you? I don’t know. If we were given the chance to talk it through, I might have some suggestions for you (as you might for me). But I don’t know.
One thing’s for sure when it comes to fear in our lives: if we change nothing, nothing changes.
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Erik, I have read your article with interest and find it stimulating among so many quotations that sound beautiful and are many times. However, I do agree that fear within reason serves a purpose in protecting us against danger.
Some fears, like the girl Hailey’s, need to be overcome or it cripples the life. There are so many versions and the implication depends on how each person is affected.
Take fear of flying. It is best overcome the way Hayley did; keep doing it..white knuckled and feeling sick.
The deeper issues within relationships are more sensitive and each need their approach and hopefully a listening and loving ear. .
So much to discuss…..
miriam
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Miriam. Yes, the point of this post wasn’t so much to give any answers as it was to get people to think: “What are my fears? How are they holding me back? What do I need to do differently in order to change that?”
Usually, I draw a point on my posts and give people strategies to try. This time, I wanted people to simply look in the mirror and while and be honest with themselves.
(There’s still only half a comment box, Erik, so I I just hoping I can manage to press ‘send’).
It is refreshing to hear someone question these memes and what they really mean in a practical sense. Words come easy, action can be incredibly hard…and it takes action to get beyond the bonds of fear.
Fear has its roots in our survival instinct and while some of those fears may appear ridiculous, even to ourselves (phobia of wet earthworms here) there is always a very real, if obscure, reason for them. Accepting that fear is real and founded in reality, albeit often a skewed version of reality, is a major step to freeing oneself from its negative effects… but fear does have a place in life and should never carry or be used to instill shame or blame.
Great thoughts, Sue. There is SO much to say about fear (and I likely will in the weeks ahead). And, yes — I think fear has come to be seen as a complete negative instead of (like most things) something to be brought into balance.
It is one of the prime motivators and as such has its uses as well as its dangers. It is a subject I often find myself writing about as it is at the heart of so many of the ills of the world, both at a personal and global level.
As I touched on in this post, I think we have language confusion when it comes to the word “fear.” Hate, depression, distrust, worry, caution, respect — we seem to use the word “fear” to mean any of these or more. I think if we could be more specific in our language, we’d be steps further ahead already.
Fear is the root of so many of these things, and it is so often a very abstract concept. I agree that we need to differentiate a little better between its various manifestations before we can usefully address them.
I like this wandering wondering, Erik. As you said, fear has lots of uses. I agree that there are a number of situations where fear is a good idea, and it’s likely to save us some trouble or even our lives. The meme’s suggesting that we should get over these fears are ill-advised to say the least.
Then there are the fun-factor fears – the adrenaline rush of trying something new – jumping out of an airplane, rock climbing, or, like me… conquering a 15-year paranoia regarding the ocean by scuba diving with sharks. These are the “just do it” fears that we pick and choose, and there’s no sweat if we conquer them or not. A lot of those meme’s seem to apply here.
I think the fear to watch out for and to actually try to “face” (work on) are those where fear works as a barrier to the enjoyment of everyday life – to friendships, learning to drive, having healthy relationships, holding a job, going on vacation… to happiness. Happiness doesn’t require doing all these things, but those that prevent happiness are worth the work. And unlike the memes suggest, this is the hard, slow work where true courage is required. I love hearing about Hailey’s progress and the wonderful work you’ve both done. Laughter is a great reward. 🙂
There is so much to say on this topic of fear. I’m glad you further pointed out that there are categories and delineations that roughly fall into categories: Keep … Consider … Ditch. It’s equally important that people understand, as you’ve mentioned here, that what we “should” do or be able to conquer in order to truly be happy is relative, varying from person to person.
I love the opening quote I chose for my book, The Best Advice So Far:
Courage is doing
what you’re afraid to do.
There can be no courage
unless you’re scared.
Eddie Rickenbacker, WWI flying ace
and Medal of Honor recipient
It’s a huge topic, Erik, which is why the meme’s are so… lame. 😀 They’d make good slogans for running shoes or bungee jumping, but not for the true work of living. I think sometimes the most painful fears are the subtle or internal ones, not the flashy things we face in our daily lives. My biggest fears took decades to finally let go. <3
I agree. It’s easier to talk about or explain a fear of heights or spiders than, say, a fear of the passage of time or aging and the losses of many sorts we know that will bring. I can only say that my own “subtle and internal” fears are much better, but not resolved. They still come knocking in dreams or when I’m especially worn out. No easy fixes, just lots of small, continual choices.
🙂
It’s a complex subject, fear, and I think part of the problem is that it’s become a catch-all term for a number of conflated abstractions. We fear for what could happen to our children all the time, but it doesn’t keep us from having more, or from sending them out into the world. We may fear flying, but does that really affect us other than when we’re on a plane? We fear the possibility of illness or death — all of us do — even if neither presents a clear and present danger to us (which, most of the time, it doesn’t). Do all of those things qualify as fear, or are there more nuances to the concept — more strata on the spectrum — than we take the time to recognize? I don’t have the answers; I’m merely inspired by this piece to ponder the question.
That you’re open to more questions without the need for an answer causes me to feel this post was a success, Sean. As I say, usually, I have a clear “funnel” to a specific point. I just didn’t feel it fit this post. So your thoughts are confirming, thanks.
How I’d LOVE to have you for a seatmate on a long flight. You see, one of my fears is …. flying. No meme can help me. Just grit and a need to get from one place to another. I’ve had the floor fall down on me many times (while flying, I had to keep my knees up so my feet didn’t follow the floor of the plane); I’ve lost my breath with a panic attack or two; I’ve imagined opening the exit door while flying over Colorado, or the Pacific Ocean, or the Sierras. But due to a huge fear of embarrassing myself, I’ve kept my mouth closed and then noticed the fear in my seatmate’s eyes and end up assuring him or her that we only have 2 or 4 or 6 hours to go. So, I guess one way for me to battle my fear is to get out of ‘myself’ and crawl into someone else’s skin, and see what she or he needs. I’m just thinking as I’m writing. Back to my first statement – wouldn’t we have fun flying together? What? Oh , wait, I see some fear in your eyes. Yeah, I could be a mess, though. 🙂
All fun aside, this post is fabulous – you are a great writer and holder of truths.
Thanks for this honest peek “behind the curtain.” My friend Holly is also terrified of flying — but it doesn’t stop her from visiting Paris, Ireland or anywhere else she wants to go. As for me, my worst flying-related fear is that I’ll have a sinus condition and have to experience the indescribable pain that brings in landing.
I think your strategy of focusing on others is just the thing. We’d all do well to adopt that mindset, on and off of planes.
I totally get your fear. I had an eardrum burst while I was flying once. It’s not a pretty picture…
Yikes! I haven’t had anything that bad.
Nor will you (she says soothingly …)